During the past week, I’ve drunk more tea than a British grandmother and fallen asleep during two movies. Yes, I have the sinus-y ick that’s going around, and yes, I’m taking lots of vitamins and herbal supplements to fight it. I have also made a short list of bodily functions that should never, ever be put on social media.
1. Snot talk
If I wanted to know the details of your illness, I’d go to med school and specialize in family medicine. I haven’t yet, so use your text messages and voice minutes to tell your friends and family your symptoms, not your Facebook or Twitter feeds.
2. Bowel movements
I don’t want to know what goes on in your bathroom. Neither does your mother.
3. Updates from your tear ducts
This item is directed to all the people who tend to emotionally word vomit on my feed. If you want to talk about your breakup or have a problem with me, call or private message me. I’m less sympathetic to your personal plight if it is so personal you have to share it with your social media networks. Also, if you live Tweet or Facebook your feelings about anything other than concerts, movies or other performances or events, chances are I’ve already hidden your posts. I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not.
4. What you eat
Unless you’re making an special meal or something that is really, really delicious, I don’t care. “OMG my yogurt and granola was super healthy this morning LOL” would make me want to scream. If you aren’t sharing a homemade yogurt recipe along with your terrible grammar, don’t make the post at all.